Saturday, March 3, 2012

On motherhood...

So it has been too long since I gathered courage to write here....Julie is now 3 months and such a joy! She smiles and smiles,especially when she wakes up. I have to be really grateful for happy kids in the morning because that is something I have to work so hard on....Julie melts my heart with her chubby face and huge teeth-less smile!!!!!

It's also been very long since I had some alone time. The baby is asleep and Mat took the kids on a daddy-daughter(s) adventure today. I'm supposed to be cleaning up the house, ironing shirts and getting ready for the day tomorrow, and instead I just felt completely and utterly exhausted from life and decided to write about it.....

I read a post about the joys of motherhood today and that gave me a nice "lift". This week I started a good routine with the girls: I wake up at 6, get some scripture reading in before they wake up, have my breakfast and then try to just clean up anything that needs done around the house, before I get them up and dressed. We all venture to my mom's house where I exercise for about 1 hour and then it's time to get the kids wild. We play at the playground, swimming pool (mostly every day) and anything we can think of at her condominium....then I get the kiddos bathed and we head home for lunch and then kids take a nap, or one of them do...
I have been exercising for over a month every day now, and it's been only a week I got to really get that routine done. Can you believe that? I learned that change needs to come little by little in my life...there's no overnight-becomeing-disciplined-kinda-deal...
Needless to say the new routine was extremely hard on me. But after much thought and consideration for about a month I decided that I needed to give up those 2 extra hours of sleep to have a balanced life. So now I am working on going to bed early....and that has also been a huge challenge, not because I am not dead tired by the end of the day and could crash at about 8 pm, but because I have so much that still needs to be done....

I gave up on facebook. My husband and I got in way too many fights because of it...and really, I don't think anything good has come out of that crap....so now I am checking it once a week for emails....and not losing any of my precious time with it....and it feels GOOD!

So now on motherhood...I have been having discussions in my head about what I should be doing, how I should be doing it. I am my biggest critic....at night I endlessly review my day and think about what I could have done better and I plan better days....I think of activities to stimulate the girls motor skills, brain, muscles, etc etc etc and I think about what I should have done for homeschooling. OH BOY, homeschooling has been tough on me.
The girls are young and they are in no rush do read...but I can't stop thinking about how much more planned the day should have been. I am learning to be a pre school teaching when I never envisioned that for myself. I just caught myself flirting with the idea and then becoming pretty dead on about how I wanted to do that for my family....
I also have endless materials that I read here and there and have almost ready to go with the girls....between playing with them and taking care of the house and food I never really get a chance to see them through....then I feel like an idiot for not focusing more on their education and less on other aspects of life....but really?I have gotten to the point of where I think I work on the bare minimun. What else can be changed???....by the end of the day between wiping little bums way too many times (Bee has decided she wants to use panties, and she barely has accidents however she is constatly going to the bathroom), wiping noses, changing diapers, breastfeeding, playing with the girls, changing dirty clothes and cleaning up messes, going to the playground, separating fights and putting the girls in time out....the day is gone and I haven't cleaned and I have cooked half of what I was supposed to do.

HOW DO PEOPLE DO IT???HOW TO FIND BALANCE???

In the end, I think the answer is: I am way too hard on myself....I am constantly kicking myself on what I can do better and how I can stay on top of things, and how I can homeschool (and getting dirty looks by it), and do fun things with the kids, and make sure I am a good wife and mom.....and then.....after a WEEK, a FREAKING PETY WEEK of my new perfect life I crash on saturday because I am so exhausted and tired of so much activity and schedule.....I have become the schedule nazi! and this makes me laugh out loud!
You know what is sad?there are not pijama days in this house, and mainly (and this is going to be the ugly truth here fellas) because I am TERRIFIED of giving up on exercising yet again. This has been such a battle for me my entire life, and I LOVE how amazing and much more energized I feel. Forget the infinite pounds that I still have to loose and look like Beyonce. I FEEL GOOD when I exercise therefore I need it soooo I must wake up early to get it done before lunch time AND I need to have a routine and follow it to the tee to make sure all the other aspects of my kids lives are taken care of....I am NOT letting go of exercise this time....it keeps me sane....and it's one thing I know I am doing right....

Motherhood is just so much harder than I ever envisioned (and so much more joyful too)....not because I don't look as good as I did a few years ago, or because I don't have a job that fulfills me, because really? I feel no need to have a career. I get to learn harder and more satisfying things at home and see my kids grow meanwhile. I don't feel like I disappeared at all. I found myself in motherhood, I have learned to be less egocentric and a much better person with the help of my children. I have learned lessons that by knowing myself for 26 years I understand I would not have learned by going to a job every day. I needed a little person that was a piece of me and much more important to me than myself to make me learn certain things in life. With all of that said and done: It's just mentally and physically exhausting!

A lot of people say that....I know...but I FEEL it more than ever in my life!!!I feel the pressure I feel the dispair and I feel the responsibility of doing everything wrong with these little beauties I have at home to take care of.....mostly if they become horrible people it will be all on MY shoulders.

So what helps you at home? what makes you and your kids happy? are you a routine follower? do you get crazy like I do? what do you do about it???

Would love to hear and write more about motherhood....because to be honest...that's all I think about these days....I've tried to be smarter and worry about world problems....but there are 3 bums that need to be cleaned, 3 mouths that crave food all day, and 3 minds that totally depend on me....so I don't think I want to add issues that involve 6 billion people on top of that.....besides....I'm the only one really giving those 3 attention right??if I let go....who will catch them? :) ;)

cheers

5 comments:

Rebeca Price said...

Babi, eu acho q todas (ou muitas) de nos, maes, passamos por isso tambem. Eu tambem, toda noite, deito e fico avaliando meu dia, oq eu poderia ter feito melhor, oq eu deveria ter feito e nao fiz, etc etc. Eu tive uma vez q dar aula na soc soc sobre usar melhor o tmepo e nossa, foi um desafio pra mim, porque eu acho q aquela aula foi mais pra mim do q pras outras irmas sabe? eu aprendi muito e eu to tentando pouco a pouco usar melhor meu tempo.
Voce pra mim ja faz eh MUITO!! eu nao tenho essa coragem de acordar mais pra poder conseguir dar tempo de fazer outras coisas q devem ser feitas... e geralmente, eu procrastino nas escrituras :( Eh dificil porque nao tem uma formula/receita certa pro sucesso. Pra alguns a rotina ajuda muito, pra outros fazer listas. Eu faco um pouco de tudo. Dependendo do dia, eu terei listas, em outros eu deixo play by ear.
Eu nem posso pensar em homeschool por agora. Ja pensou eu com gemeos e tentando homeschool a Rachel?? nem pensar!!! Mas eu to levando one day at time agora, e planejando pouco a pouco as coisas q precisam ser planejadas, mas nao to indo muito a fundo, pra nao entrar em desespero sabe? Eu sou do tipo q preciso planejar tambem, mas eu fico muitooo anciosa e nem consigo dormir se eu coloco um monte de planos e ideias na cabeca..hehehe.
O discurso do pres. Utchdorf me ajudou muito a apreciar o q eu ja tenho feito.
forca ai amiga!!!

Brittany and Everett said...

Oh Barbra -how I feel the same as you 99 percent of the time! When you become a mother a deep understanding is formed between all mothers! I feel your pain and stress and worry everyday and I also toss with guilt and anxiety at the end of the day asking myself "How could this day have been better, more productive, more slow (if you know what I mean)?" We toss at night thinking of all our "to do's" and and all our "wrongs" throughout the day. It's pretty rare that I lay down and say "awe, today I was a good mother and loved every minute of it"...let me know the secret of motherhood when you discover it. And then I hear it's all about balance, but sometimes I drive myself crazy trying so HARD to balance everything that I feel it is completely defeating the purpose! And really what is the right definition of balance? Anyway I am glad I popped in and read this post! Hang in there and yes, do not give up the exercise it is an essential gift that you get to give yourself everyday, to breathe and sweat and work and strengthen!!!

1.2.3.4.5 said...

babi, vc é guerreia. pra mim é isso que vc é. guerreia. queria ser mais como vc... mais decidida e corajosa. voce é uma mae incrivel. o bom de ser humana é que a gente sabe que a perfeicao está BEM longe... nao que eu me lembre sempre disso, ao contrario, eu tb sou my biggest critic. quero ter tudo perfeito, tudo limpo e arrumado. o que quanto mais o tempo passa, mais eu percebo que é impossivel.
eu estou A MESES querendo ir ao clube do walmart e comecar a me exercitar... mas quem disse que eu fui? sempre acontece alguma coisa... e na correia acaba ficando em ultimo na minha lista de prioridades.
assim como a rebeca, o discurso do elder uchdorf da sessao da soc soc de outubro me ajudou muito. eu tenho aquela liahona na minha mesinha de cabeceira, e estou sempre going back to it, porque é algo que tenho que estar sempre reminding myself of.
Babi, vc é guerreia. Voce é uma mae incrivel. Voce é linda.
te amo!

Katy-the-lady said...

Here I am almost TWO MONTHS after this was written!:( So glad I caught this! I can just read this and hear your voice in my head! As a busy Mama too, I'm there...every day! It's chaotic and hectic, no matter how well planned the activity (even a simple one). I'm learning that the best I can do is the best I can do. Isn't that profound. :) There is wisdom in leaving things undone and I cannot possibly get to it all. Take it to the Lord and He will give you eyes to see what is the best thing to spend your precious moments on. LOVE YOU!!! E-mail me someday when I get up there on your priority list! :)

Jeff and Kayci said...

You are not the only one!! Life is so crazy but it's all worth it. I find that sitting down to write about the good stuff and capture each of the kids' personalities in a journal entry really helps! I hope you are adjusting better now. It seems to take a little bit longer with each child you add to the mix. Much love girl! Keep your chin up!!