Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I MISS REXBURG!!!!!(the title has nothing to do with the content of this post,hehehe)

So, I'm trying really hard to finish my homework for my online class "teachings of the living prophets" and my mom keeps talking about farmville with my great-aunt. It's so annoying...I hate this facebook games.
Anyway..I've been meaning to write here about my relationship with my mom and this seems as good of a time as it gets(this sentence doesn't sound right, is it?). Well, some of you know my mother and know that I have issues with her, she is a nice lady, she has taught me a lot of things that I can only be grateful for, I love her. There are some things thought that I SO wish she had taught me when I was younger and I wanted to make note of that so moms out there won't do the same because those are things that I had to struggle REALLY hard to learn on my own. (and still learning)

One of the great aspects that I am eternally grateful for is the time I have spent in the States. I had contact with a culture that for the most part (at least the part I was exposed to) that teaches responsibility and accountability to children. I have so many great friends who did not know I was watching them, but I did FREQUENTLY because I wanted to learn how to do that with my kids. Hard work, responsibility, accountability, diligence, patience, craftiness etc are some of the things that I have been working so hard to learn since I left home when I was 18. I want to mostly focus on hard work.

I have noticed since I came here that my mom has really never understoon how to teach us hard work. I have a 10-yr-old brother who does not help around the home. Mostly because my mom feels that she needs to spare him of that work in order to show him that she loves him and that she is a good mother. Have you ever seen that before? She works extra hard around the house picking up his slack and cleaning, cooking and doing everything that a home maker does for a 10 yr old who doesn't think it is his responsibility to help around the house. That is exactly how we grew up. With a loving mother who didn't want us to work around the house because she wanted us to be kids. Well fast forward a little bit and when 18 hit, she expected all kids to start taking care of their stuff (we were actually only supposed to take care of our rooms, which I was the only one who did it, when it got really messy) and help her out around the house. She says that because we have grown up we need to know that she needs help. Now in my head, the least thing 18 yr olds want to do is help their moms. So I left to go to college and my brothers were the ones supposed to help. Wanna know the outcome?nobody ever helped and she was more and more overwhelmed with house work. I would feel sorry for her at this point, but to me it was self inflicted and it won't change. It won't change because I've talked to her, I pointed out how I could have learned better and how I wish I learned how to do things and you know what she said? "you take care of your kids and I will keep doing what I think is right for mine"...well then...

So I urge you to teach your kids to work hard, to share responsibilities in the home, to be part of a working family, becase those were the things that I noticed the most and I try so hard to build with my family.

Without getting into too much detail as I went to college I had a hard time with my choices and learning how to manage my time and how sometimes the
consequences of my poor choices (nothing regarding my eternal salvation) was something I could not choose or change... I could change my choices but not the consequences...I wish I were more disciplined and I knew how to do things around the house more....you know little things like that?it definitely helps when you are away from home.

It's been really hard on me trying to be completely different from the way I was raised. As I said, my mom is a great person, but a great person I have a lot of issues with and I hope that I can be someone that won't have issues with my daughters. I hope I can teach them the importance of taking responsibility for your actions and their individual worth.

We women have to be REALLY careful with how we teach our kids, because it will come back to haunt us. I can testify of that.

What has your mom taught you that helped you as an adult? How has your mom taught you to be patient? or hard working? or responsible?

7 comments:

Aline Carson said...

Co,, eu concordo plenamente com o que vc escreveu, eu acho que cada criança, (mesmo quem tem empregada) tem que ter suas responsabilidades em casa. Eu e meus irmãos sempre tivemos responsabilidades, qdo moravamos nos EUA a casa sempre estava limpa pq cada um sempre fazia sua parte, as vezes reclamavamos, mas sempre faziamos. Aqui no Brasil como sempre tivemos empregada, nos finais de semana tinhamos nossas responsabilidades e faziamos tb.
A unica coisa é que a gente as vezes brigava pq nao sabia de quem era a vez de lavar a louça no domingo por exemplo. A gente brigada mto tb pra ir no banco da frente no carro, entao pra parar isso eu fiz um chart, com todos os dias do ano hahaha e o nome de quem iria na frente aquele dia pra nao dar briga. E deu mto certo! Eu e meus irmaos nunca mais brigamos por causa disso. Eu acho interessante fazer um chart pra tarefas domesticas e ter algum motivation tb, alguma recompensa pra eles. Quando eles quiserem alguma coisa, um brinquedo tal, tem que fazer algo a mais, por ex, lavar o banheiro, o quintal, ou outra coisa do tipo. Isso se vc tiver money to spare mas nao quiser dar de mao beijada né. E aí vai. Eu acho que isso ensina mais do que simplesmente vc dizer "não" pra alguma coisa que seu filho quer, mesmo vc tendo o dinheiro pra comprar mas pra diz não só pra não dar simplesmente por dar né. Então pq não dar e ao mesmo tempo teach them hard work? Tá mto confuso isso aqui mas eu sempre penso nesse tipo de coisa sabe e a gente pode conversar mais sobre isso.
Mas col, os filhos sempre vão ter issues com pelo menos uma coisa que os pais ensinaram, acho que nenhum filho pensa "meus pais fizeram tudo perfeito, me criaram perfeitamente e eu quero fazer exatamente igualzinho com meus filhos." A gente sempre quer fazer melhor mas this is the point! To learn from their mistakes and be better.
Beijo col, desculpa ter saido do nada, eh que tive que fechar meu computador, eu fui ver uma noticia de um incendio horrivel que teve aqui do lado de casa e o eric pegou o comp e comecou a digitar um monte.

Jos and Kath said...

I have to say... my mom was the OTHER WAY AROUND and all we ever wanted was a mom to take care of us. I think, just like you are doing the opposite because you saw how it worked on YOU... your mom was probably doing the same thing. It's just the pendulum of life. :) You are a great mom! And your mom is a great mom! You will just teach your children DIFFERENT things... and they will have different strengths/weaknesses because of that. But you know your kids won't grow up knowing everything they wished they had learned either. :) It's nice to think they will though. :)

Anna said...

Isso é uma coisa que meus pais sempre fizeram muita questão de ensinar pra gente. Lá em casa nada nunca foi dado. A gente sempre teve que trabalhar pra ter o que a gente queria. E era assim: A mesada era baseada nos trabalhinhos que a gente fazia em casa... e só ganhavamos aquilo que a gente earned sabe? E ainda assim a gente só ganhava se tivesse feito as tarefas basicas (arrumar a cama toda manha, manter o quarto arrumado, pratica piano todo dia etc.)
Se a gente queria alguma coisa, um brinquedo, uma coisa qualquer, tinha que juntar dinheiro da mesada e se virar pra conseguir. Meu pai sempre nos ensinou da importancia de trabalhar e principalmente de ajudar em casa "tua mãe não é escrava de ninguem!" hehehe
Eu tb espero poder passar essa licao pros meus filhos... eu lembro quando era pequenininha tipo uns 3-4 aninhos já tinha um cofrinho e sempre quando eu ajudava com alguma coisa meu pai me dava uma moedinha pra eu colocar no cofrinho... eu achava o maximo.
Realmente acho que uma das coisas mais importantes que a gente pode ensinar é isso : to be responsible and respectful. Porque se vc for pensar,tudo mais se encaixa nisso.

Eu sempre fico preocupada pensando como ensinar essas coisas tao valiosas que a gente aprendeu com nossos pais ou que tivemos que apreder sozinhos... como ensinar, como fazer com q eles entendam a importancia.
Bringuinhas e desentendimentos acho que sempre acontecem com os irmaos e tb com os pais. Eu lembro que teve uma fase q brigava mto com minha mae... mas depois passou e hj ela é minha melhor amiga.

Uma coisa que eu sinto muito é que hj olhandopra tras eu percebo que meu relacionamento com meu pai era de medo mais do que qualquer coisa sabe? Tipo, eu nunca foi de conversar com ele. Meu pai hj é bem diferente e eu fico feliz pelos meus irmaos que conseguem conversar mais com ele e se abrir com ele... coisa q eu nao fazia qndo era adolescente e sinto muito por isso.

Enfim...to spilling my guts aqui... hahahaha
Sua mae fez o que fez porque pra ela isso era o melhor... e eu acho que isso tb é mto da cultura brasileira. O nosso job agora é be better, fazer o nosso melhor pra ensinar os nossos filhos e serem um dia melhor do que a gente.

Good luck to us!!!!

2 + 2 = 4 said...

It freaking puzzles me how much you are me...yesterday.

I will email more on this...

Now, may I just tell you a sweet compliment from my brother (who is one of the best people in the world) to you... He said you are just beautiful...Amen.

Rachel and her Brasileiros said...

Babi, ok for me, I started working outside of my home at 9 years old-- I delivered papers. I had that job and gave all my money for my parents, for 3 years. Then I started babysitting, and at the same time I worked with my dad for our family's business. We always had chores during the week and also Saturday chores. We had no choice but to work and work HARD. This was part of my everyday life, so it wasn't difficult for me to learn to be independent when I moved out on my own. However, it is not normal for children to work outside the home (unless you are really poor) before 18 years old in Brazil (that is what Bruno told me). So, I asked Bruno what HIS mom taught him about work, responsibility, and patience. He said that he always had a routine, and activities to do. In the beginning his mother made him do everything, but after several years, his mom would leave him and his brother home by themselves and they had to do their chores, do homework, and get ready for soccer practice, or piano practice, or violin practice (whatever activity they were involved in at the time). If they didn't they were punished. Because of this consistency, he learned some responsibility. He also got used to watching his parents take church callings very seriously and go above and beyond what was asked, since he was very young, so he always had a good example. However, taking care of himself, like washing clothes, cooking, cleaning, and actually work hard, he never had to do very much of in Brazil, so that was difficult when he moved here. However, he didn't have ANY financial help from his family, so he had no choice but the learn. He said that he learned to love to work on his mission. That is probably the best thing for a young man on all accounts... not only does it teach him spirituality, but many other life skills that are necessary for survival.
That's our two cents! Hope you are able to gain some insights for everyone's experiences!

Paty said...

You know, it's too bad that your mom is not teaching your brother to be responsible in helping at home, but like someone else already said, just admire your mom for the good things she taught you and go a step further with your own kids.

My parents always taught us hard work, not necessarily forcing us to do it, but by example. Since we were little, we had to help in the keeping on the house, all this based on our age of course and what we could do. Growing up my sisters and I would be responsible for keeping our bedrooms clean and we were also in charge of cleaning the kitchen after dinner. During the weekends we would divide the whole household between my two sisters, mom and I. We never received an allowance/money for any work we did. All the work we did was just mainly us contributing with that much for the house. Of course, if we needed something, my parents would get it for us. I hated asking things from my parents because I knew the jobs they had were hard labor jobs and the money was earned with lots of hard work. I never asked them for toys, or things that I didn't consider necessary, I guess I grew up very concious of our situation and did not want to put any hardships on them. If we went to buy clothes I would always pay lots of attention on the price and if it was pricey, I would tell my parents I didn't like it and move on, although I got caught several times by my dad and he would always tell me to not pay attention at the price. My parents are awesome. As soon as I was able to babysit, I did it and I was able to have spare money and didn't ask my parents for money all my teenage years (I always had a job). My responsibilities at home did not change while I went to school and worked.

My mom taught me many things: hard work, how to cook, crochet, be self sufficient, etc.

One thing I will change with my own kids is that the boys never had to do any housework. They had to do outside work, but you never saw them making the bed for example...that was not fair. Both boys and girls WILL HAVE to help in the house. Although at this point...I'm just having girls...still, when I have boys I'll teach them to contribute as well.

Katy-the-lady said...

Oh, Barbara! :) We have had conversations about this before. I was taught to work hard, but there were many other things that I wish I was taught. I think that as parents we need to take the best of what we were taught, combine it with the best our spouse was taught, then improve upon it. I'm sure my kids will complain about what I did or did not do too, and that's okay, as long as they improve it and make it better for their children too.