Healing

Healing is definitely one of the hardest process after a loss...I´m actually doing a lot better...but still think about the ultrasound, the first time we saw the baby and there was a heartbeat there...and then again, the second ultrasound, where the baby was bigger and no heart was found...just talking about it makes my heart break! I can´t believe we are going thru this...I can´t believe it!!!

I have gone from denial, to comfort, to denial again....to anger...and peace....and I´m not sure where I will be tomorrow....I´m not trying to compare losses here,I know that it must hurt so much more if you´ve had the baby, and lose a child that you´ve seen grown before your eyes...but still I´m shocked that all the plans I have made and envisioned for our family are shattered...

Little things hurt: going to the grocerie store and not being able to do to the priority line (pregnant ladies,old people, women with children etc), seeing pregnant bellies (which I just love), and finally yesterday a silly little thing that nobody would notice but really hurt. A friend of Mat´s family saw us at church and said "Oh! I didn´t know you guys were 4, I thought you had only one child,that´s awesome!" he didn´t say anything wrong, but at that point I was thinking "and I was supposed to be able to tell you now that we were going to be 5 shortly"...that stuck to me...and it still hurts....I really try not to think about the miscarriage, all the blood and the images of the baby that are stuck in my mind all day...but I especially think about it when I look at the girls...and see how perfect they are!

Isabelle often comes to me and says " mommy where did the baby in your belly go?" and I have to tell her over and over again that it´s with Heavenly Father and He´s taking care of our baby now...I´m not sure if that´s the right doctrine..but I sure don´t know what else I can tell her...

The other day she said she was going to find me another baby and sat on the computer pretending she was typing...I guess she thought googling "baby" would solve the problem...after a little while her veredict " mommy I can´t find you another baby!"...that was sweet of her!

I surely have a new reverence for life as I look at my girls and realize how delicate life is, I marvel at how they arrived on this Earth and how they were inside of me...from just almost nothing, to beautiful babies that bring so much happiness to my life! I marvel/admire/love/sqeeze/hug/ and thank God for my girls at my girls more often (a lot more often) now than before...I think I took the miracle of life for granted and I hope I never do that again...

Anyway...trying to heal...thank you for the prayers, support, love and kind words...when I am down, I go back to messages and emails that I have received...and I have to thank you for that...it really helps!I have wonderful friends...

much love,

Barb